Sigh.....When Does That Life Stuff Happen

It's official, I'm painfully, woefully, and utterly bored. I was planning on skipping summer term and working fulltime. When the transplant stuff came up I figured I'd just have to give up on finding a new job and continue on at the library. I didn't think it would matter much because the transplant would be pretty soon. I've worked about ten hours in the last three weeks and, as of last Friday, I'm all caught up. I have no work to do at work. My boss won't be back for another week, which doesn't help matters.

So at this point, I have no school and three hours of work a week. I've watched TV, I've played my computer, I've read books, and I'm bored out of my skull. I'm thinking that I just need to quit and see if I can get some temp place to hire me. Since I still don't know when the operation is going to be, that's probably the only place that will hire me given I can't guarantee my availability for any real length of time. The worst thing is, with as little expected from me as possible you'd think I could take care of errands and such. I have a library book that is close to a month overdue, but somehow the less I need to do the less I do at all. It feels like my willpower has been in a cast and now it's all shriveled and weak. I hate waiting.

Patting Myself on the Back and Kicking Myself in the Butt

So a friend of mine recently commented that she had been reading some of her old posts and realized her recent entries aren't "up to par". I just went back and read my favorite of my own posts Love is like the deacon two-step, not the waltz and realized my own writing has taken a similar slide. So, both because I have time, and because I think everyone needs a little creativity every day, I'm going to start free writing at least fourteen minutes a day. I once did free writes for seven hours straight to make up for half a semester of slacking so I figure a few minutes shouldn't be too hard. Here's hoping I can get back a little of that style that's bled out of my writing.

Bear in mind the link will take you to the post, but you'll need to scroll down a bit.

Killing Our Own Dreams

I've been reading a talk recently by Bruce Young. I don't remember the title, but it talks about the miracle of faith and the miracle of love. Admittedly, I am a little wary of something being called a miracle. To me, it seems like the word miracle implies not only a fantastic or amazing event, but carries a connotation that that event is fantastic or amazing in part because it was the result of little actual work. In any event, I got past the title and kept reading.

I haven't finished the talk quite yet, but I have to say the ideas in it are provocative. I mean that in a good way, as in: "The talk provoked me to serious reflection." One of the main ideas he posits is that in both faith and love individuals often keep themselves from the very happiness they claim to want. I hated the idea. I still do, except now I think it could be true. It turns out, whether or not I like an idea has little to no impact on the veracity of that idea. His point is that with faith we have confirmations of what is true and yet, at times, we doubt those confirmations. We doubt that such a good thing, such a wonderful thing as the gospel could be true. Why do we doubt that? To paraphrase Bruce Young's idea with my words, we would rather be sure we're going to hell, than unsure if we're going to heaven. It goes back to pride. We don't want to be wrong. We don't want to be disappointed. So to avoid that disappointment we give up hope. I know I'm not the only one who hasn't pursued a relationship because I might be rejected or might be disappointed. Oddly enough I think Wayne Gretzky said it best: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

It seems, at least at times, that people would rather not try and be sure of their failure than risk the possibility of being disappointed after hoping for something, never mind that there is the possibility for success through hope and effort. I think as far as dating goes it's being able to meet someone new and actually think something could come from it. The talk also points out that overanalyzation can kill a relationship.

You know I start posts off fully intending to write about something new, but somehow it comes back to the same things. I've already blogged about the human tendency to choose a crappy certainty over a happy possibility. Guess I'm all out of new ideas.

Reason and Faith are not Mutually Exclusive

I was at my parent's house yesterday and needed something to read while I ate my lunch. I came across this article from Jerry Johnston in the Deseret News and was very impressed. It's an interesting read, here's the link:
Reason and Faith

Man's Search for Meaning

I'm currently about half-way through Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. I think I first heard about the book in high school and it's been kicking around in the back of my brain since. I was at my parent's house last Thursday and needed a book to read while I waited for tests to be done at the hospital. A couple of bookcases have migrated into my old room sometime in the past few months with my Dad's books in tow. It was here I noticed the book and started to read.

I think the vague impression I had of the book before I started to read was that it was a book all about how to be happy in any condition. This is part of the book, but for me not the primary message. Of course, if five people read a book, that is intensely honest and personal, you'll probably end up with five different messages. Anyway, for me the message was summed up pretty well when he said

"We need to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life--daily and hourly. Our answer must consist not in talk and meditation, but in right action and right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answers to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."

Connected to this idea is what he says of suffering. He explains, and what mortal would know better, that sometimes our task is to suffer, but here he notes that "his unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden." So it's not a question of why do we suffer, but rather how.

A Pound of Flesh for Your Thoughts

I've had the same conversation a number of times in the past week or so. I'll ask what someone is doing in the summer, to which they will answer: school, work, both, etc. In polite response the question will be asked of me. Somewhat hesitantly, because it's not really the stuff of normal conversation I'll answer that I'm donating a kidney to my sister-in-law and I'll be off school and work to recover for three to eight weeks. I found out that I was a match a week or two back. Since then Angie (my sister-in-law) has had another stroke caused by high blood pressure from dialysis and stress. Of necessity this has accelerated the process of donation. On Thursday I'll go in for another round of tests, after which I'll be given tests followed by more tests. The operation itself is, to my knowledge, happening some time in the next week or so provided things go well.

The thought of several weeks of rather limited mobility, I must admit, is less than pleasant. Angie has had problems with her kidneys for a long time; this will be her second transplant. Right now she's still in the hospital from the second stroke. No permanent damage was done, but she's still working on normal consciousness; it comes and goes for the moment. I was over at my parent’s house for Father's Day and my nephew Logan said the prayer for dinner. He said "Please bless Mommy so she can come home and we can be a family again." My dad is still shaking off leukemia from a year ago, though he's started working part days. Thinking about this makes it pretty hard to take self-pitying thoughts seriously. Sure my job is crappy and I can't seem to fix a few things in my life, but what do I have to complain about? Albert Einstein said "Only a life lived for others is worth living." I hope that this experience will help me learn, at least in part, how to live that way. Being uncomfortable for a few weeks may not be much, but I hope it will be something like the widow's mite for me and my selfishness.

Why Shakespeare is Great and how the Devil is Crafty

I've worked at the BYU library for seven or eight months now and things get pretty boring. Just recently instead of listening to music at work I've started to listen to books on cd. I decided to start listening to the classics; since, by now I've realized I probably won't read them. So I listened to the Merchant of Venice by Shakespeare, which I enjoyed, but was rather surprised given it has a happy ending. I didn't think he did happy endings, but what do I know? My knowledge of the bard is probably equivalent to the information off of cereal boxes. Anyways, I love his use of language. As I was walking home from work I thought about what the world would be like if people actually spoke like characters in a Shakespearian play. Conversations in general would be much wittier. For example, if someone offended their significant other with a careless remark they might say "Though my tongue be given to offend, I pray thee let my lips amend." Don't get any ideas though I'm getting a copyright.

A few weeks back I posted a quote from a man named Leo Buscaglia. I was so impressed by the quote myself that I went on eBay and bid three dollars on one of his books. The shipping was free so I figured I was getting a good deal. I promptly forgot about it until I received the book in the mail. The book is entitled Loving Each Other: The Challenge of Human Relationships. One of the questions he asks, "Why are people so afraid to love?" struck me as interesting. I guess the short answer is fear of rejection. In an ideal world this wouldn't make any sense, how could giving love be anything other than positive? I blame the devil. Showing love is equated with weakness far more often than with strength. This has at least two immediate effects. First, it means that people are far more reserved with who they show affection for. Second, the recipient of such affection is predisposed, at least to some degree, to view the giver as weak. I think it has something to do with a horrible twist to the spirit of independence that the media so heavily promotes.

Introspective Insomnia

I've had a couple of little ideas for things that I could post about, but nothing really big. Since I don't feel like sleeping now I'll see what I can make out of them on the fly. Think of it as one of those "Our powers combined..." sort of moments, except that I have always hated Captain Planet. Seriously, what were they thinking when they gave a guy the power of heart? I'm pretty sure the whole idea stems from some writer's insecurities. Maybe he didn't get enough love as a kid. Anyway, Captain Planet bashing aside here's what I've been thinking about:

1.College is expensive
2.Dating is hopeless
3.I need a new job

I had been planning on taking summer classes, but I really don't think I can afford to. I already have too much debt and too little to show for it. No I'll be working full time during the summer, and who knows, maybe even fall semester. This brings me to my third point. I haven't forgotten the second one, but one and three are connected so play along. I've determined that my job at the library is not at all providing what I need. It's in no way, shape, or form challenging on any level. It benefits society slightly less than warning labels on toothpicks and yields marginal financial returns. Plus my schedule is too flexible, now for many people this would be a plus, but for me it's a big negative. This stems from the fact that I'm lazy so I put off work because I know I don't absolutely have to go into work.

Okay, points one and three out of the way, on to two. I was reading in Proverbs the other day when I came across 13:12 "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life." I'm not entirely sure I understand what the verse is saying. It could mean that when we defer or put off having hope that we feel heartsick, but when what we hope for happens we'll be happy. If this is the case I don't get the big message here. I mean obviously we'll be happy when what we've been waiting for happens; no surprise there. But what does it mean to put off hoping? Does that mean we hope for something, but we need to be patient for it to happen? Does it mean we have to hope because if we don't we'll feel even worse?

My guess is that it means the latter. I suppose it makes sense with the adage "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Sounds like one of those "wintry doctrines" Elder Maxwell talked about if you ask me.

If someone figures out a shortcut to enlightenment and inner peace let me know.

To Risk or not to Risk

First of all, no, this is not a post about the ridiculously long board game. In fact, it's not much of a post at all I'm just going to put up a quote.

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd, is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live.
Only a person who risks is free.
~Leo Buscaglia

Look and See How Clever I am

I've been doing this whole blogging bit for close to a year now and I think it's time I get back to my roots. When I started the blog, I admitted it was more than anything a way to see if I could impress people in a literary fashion. I'd like to think that I've had a decent post or two (bear in mind I said I'd like to think). In any event, yesterday was a reminder to me of the less than noble goal that started me writing.

I was visiting my parents and talking about Lincoln, the Civil War, and well cookies. My dad has this theory that a cookie only has half the calories when it is broken in half. Never mind the fact that he still eats both halves. He defended himself by saying that there was a method to his madness. I responded, "Just because there's method to your madness doesn't mean it's something other than madness." I was quite pleased with myself; I still am.

Something like this doesn't just happen though, no this took years of preparation. I remember that fateful day, so many years ago, that my brother told me, in reference to some less than cordial individuals, "It's all about mind over matter. I don't mind because they don't matter." Ahh, so good. I still smile every time I think about it. Some time later I was on my way to seminary when I noticed one of the school signs had been graffitied. Added to the list of items such as: no skateboards was no dumb people with a smiley face. That made my day. One of these days, I think I'll make myself some t-shirts or hats with such witticisms. As far as I can tell, Despair.com has a commanding influence on the disaffected masses, especially the college going variety, and I want a piece of the action.

The Comfort and Luxury of Mediocrity

So I've decided something; people don't like the unknown. Sure, we may say that we like trying new things, but let's admit it's all show. When I ordered calamari for the first time I didn't imagine that it was going to taste like calamari tastes. How could I? I had never tasted it before. Instead of imagining how it actually tasted, I imagined a vague sort of good taste and dug in. What I expected, wanted to happen was to taste something I recognized as tasting good. How many times have people tasted exotic food and said "It tastes like chicken." It seems that we have a hard time processing new experiences; they never stand on their own, but have to be compared to previous experience. When I tasted calamari I liked it, but not I would argue because it has an inherently "good" taste, but rather because it has a familiar taste. In this case, I'm guessing salt and MSG tied it in with the rest of my meal.

I'm thinking that the reason people don't try new food or new things in general is fear of the unknown. Why don't I move to say Boston and try to make a life for myself there for instance? It's foreign to me, I don't know what to expect. It could be a great decision, it could ruin my life. This is where mediocrity comes into play. Mediocrity is safe. I would here propose that a great many opportunities and lives lived in greatness are kept out of reach by the safety net of mediocrity. Though I'm loath to admit it, being a victim of mediocrity myself, especially scholastically, I'm inclined to think that mediocre results often come from a lack of self-confidence.

That's the beauty of doing a half-hearted job I figure, no one can really say if you succeeded or failed. Additionally, we can tell ourselves that if we did this good when we weren't really trying that we'd do really great with something we cared about. Would we though? Mediocrity and apathy go hand in hand and if you ask me, (pretend you really would) apathy is infectious. Once introduced to one aspect of life, apathy spreads to every aspect of life. As for me, I'm going to try not to cut myself so much slack that I get dashed to pieces on the rocks below.

Something I've Been Meaning to do

My parents had this idea that they wanted all of their kids to play musical instruments. This worked just fine right up until me. Why was I any different? They never encouraged/forced me to learn one. I never wanted to learn one, having been witness to many of my friends afternoons' spoiled by having to practice. Wow, that sentence sucks, but it's late and I'm not changing it. Anyway, this semester I'm taking a guitar class and I've enjoyed it thus far. I'm hoping that learning a musical instrument is good for my patience and self-discipline. A coworker pointed out that "chicks dig it." I was with some friends the other day and one of the guys started playing a guitar, yeah it's true.

My fingertips are sore, but then again so are my arms since I started a weights class as well. I've also started playing some tennis, which is good, just not as good as racquetball. Natural sunlight, who needs it? I guess in short I'm trying out a few new things. One of them is bound to be worth something in the end. I also just finished reading Shadow of the Giant. I quite enjoyed it. There are a lot of good questions and ideas about human nature in the book. I'm thinking I may start reading some more poetry, get acquainted with some of the classics. Trying new things, yeah I'm enjoying it.

What Can Change the Human Heart?

First and foremost, credit where credit is due, the impetus for this post is something from what my friend Frogkisser wrote in her last post. The question posed is: can someone's nature be changed or is it fixed. The gospel perspective here is a decided that depends. Do they want to change? Do I want to compromise for them?

It's a great paradox of human nature that some of the best most sincere change as well as some of the most superficial and shallow change in human nature can come from relationships. I think the thing I wonder is: how long can we or someone else be happy living contrary to who they are? My guess is not very long. Do we really want someone to love a cheap facade we put up for them, all plastic flowers and fake dialogue? At this point, I've just realized I never have any original or new thoughts just new angles on old issues. It all comes back to honesty and being yourself again. I think my pontificating train is still derailed. I'll keep at it.

The Summer, The Spring, and a Random Thing (or Two)

The end of the semester is near, so very near. Strangely with all my finals yet to be taken I'm not worried at all. I think it has something to do with my decision to fail that "Methods in Social Research" class early in the semester. I guess once I decided to fail on purpose, it's been hard to get worked up over the threat of doing mediocre in the classes I like. Soon that will all be over, at least for a day anyway, and then spring semester starts. I've never done spring or summer semester before though so I'm easing myself into it. My classes consist of: History of the English Language, Weightlifting, and Intro. Guitar. I think somehow I'll manage.

All of that is subject to change though. My sister-in-law needs a kidney transplant and I might be the donor. My brother wasn't a match so in all likelihood I won't be either, but you never know. I'll get the blood work done in a few weeks and find out. If I am compatible I'll be at home for about six to eight weeks while my body adjusts to using one kidney instead of two. I really hope that I do match. She needs the transplant and I can tell it's been worrying my brother since no blood relatives were matches. Additionally, I think it would be good for me to spend a few weeks feeling crappy. It'd be a good humbling experience.

Reunions, FHE, and Apathetic Mediocrity

I went to my first mission reunion on Friday. I didn't make it to the last one so this was my first reunion. I can't say it was a real good experience. A couple of speeches were made that could have been skipped by and large. The slideshow was shown with the disclaimer that it had been thrown together in about ten or fifteen minutes. The food consisted of pizza and pop with the only real Norwegian food being the token bags of pepper kakker (basically ginger snaps). Oh, and incidentally no emails were sent out except by those who hunted down the information and then sent it to one or two people. The whole deal smacked of little to no planning. I suddenly understand why so many people don't go.

In a similar vein our FHE group is pretty much on life support. As of last week, there about six of us and half of those are from one apartment. I never had FHE growing up so the mission field was the first time I really went and then obviously only on certain occasions. I've really appreciated FHE since coming to college, but I have to admit I feel very little motivation to go right now. I think the problem with both my mission reunion and my FHE group can be traced back to apathy and mediocrity.

It's a question of "Which comes first: the chicken or the egg?" In this case though it's, "Which came first the apathy or the mediocrity?" In the end it doesn't really matter which comes first becomes the one breeds the other and vice versa. If an FHE is lame I become more apathetic and if I become more apathetic the next FHE is lamer. Just a vicious little cycle to be aware of.

Buffering 23%

According to my Linguistics professor every time there is a revolutionary invention people tend to make that invention into a symbol for thought. The light bulb was one such invention. Cartoon characters often have light bulbs appear over their heads to indicate that they've had an idea. Then of course there is the phrase "The lights are on, but no one's home." Anyway, in that grand tradition of making technology a symbol for thought I submit this thought. I'm pretty thoughts are like a streaming video. When everything is working right the picture is decent and the sound is correctly synched. Sometimes though the video catches up to what's been buffered and the video lurches along in two second clips if something isn't done to fix it. I've haven't felt particularly inspired as of late. Strangely, I haven't been thinking about new philosophical subjects much. Even when I try to do so my train of thought seems to get derailed rather quickly (another example of technology as thought). So I've concluded that I'm at the buffering stage in my philosophical pondering. In all likelihood it means I need to do more reading to stimulate my brain. Does anyone have any books to suggest?

Mae: Suspension

Just a video from a little band I've come across.

Happy Birthday and Delaying the Inevitable

Today is my birthday, my 23rd in fact. To celebrate, I'll be taking a Statistics test and working. Potentially those fun-filled activities are to be followed up with a little trip to IHOP and some philosophical discussion. So I was thinking about the whole birthday practice and I'm asking that gifts be given to me in the form of quotes. No books of them, no long lists, just one or two quotes with something of weight to consider. Something like "Selfishness is self-destruction in slow motion." Got to love that Maxwell. In all honesty I'm writing now because I am delaying my stats test and work just a little longer. It's my birthday I get to be a little lazy right? That would beg the question "What's my excuse for the rest of the year?" but I'll just gloss over that.

On a more serious note, the last month or so has been more or less torturous to me to one degree or another. I've been trying desperately to figure out what the problem was. Finally, last night as I was praying one of those look,-I-know-you-know-what-you're-doing-but-I-don't-know-what-you're-doing prayers and things became clear. I was reminded of the importance of our thoughts. I really believe that there is no other way to truly be happy in life short of focusing our thoughts and consequently our actions on the things of eternity. For me right now, that mainly means thinking more about other people than myself. I hope that doesn't come across as cliché, but either way the principle holds true. Martin Luther King Jr. said "Life's most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?" Guess that means I need to leave my ivory tower a bit more often.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

A Taste of My Taste

Between three months at an insurance company, three at an engineering supply place, and four or five at the BYU I have had copious amounts of time to listen to music. Each of these jobs has been mindless enough that they allowed me to listen to music while I worked. In the summer alone, I was working full time so that meant eight hours of music a day five days a week for a few months. Early on my good friend Brett informed me of Yahoo's music services. I tried the free trial of their launchcast radio and quickly became hooked. At first it was slow going getting my "personal" radio station fine tuned. Over the months though, I've been pleased to come across quite a few new bands that I enjoy immensely. As a public service, I will list my top three favorite new bands, a few of the songs I like the most, and what they have to offer.

1. The All-American Rejects: "Move Along," "Swing, Swing," and "Your Star" Emo/Indie band with some good lyrics and upbeat rhythms. Both of their cds are high quality.
2. Death Cab For Cutie: "Crooked Teeth," "Marching Bands of Manhattan," and "The Sound of Settling" Soothing melodies and clever song lyrics. Features the former lead singer of The Postal Service. Transatlanticism and their latest cd Plans are my favorite albums.
3. Snow Patrol: "How to Be Dead," "Chocolate," and "Spitting Games" Another classic "Run" was recently posted on Provo Platinum, which in no small part inspired this post. Emotion charged vocals and hypnotic beats of pure goodness.
4. Guster: "Fa Fa," "Two Points for Honesty," and "So Long" I heard "Fa Fa" years ago and the chorus was forever popping into my head, but I didn't know the song or band name. Thanks to James who reintroduced me to the glory of Guster. Very catchy and singable, (yes, that's a word now) the songs have some noteworthy ideas.

So originally this was going to be a list of five bands, but it occurs to me that it is now one in the morning and I want to sleep. Perhaps this wasn't the best time to post. In any event for what it's worth here are some songs I recommend. I'm sure you can listen to them somewhere, somehow. They're worth the effort.

Pandering to the Masses

Being an astute observer of cartoons I've come to love a variety of shows that both well-written and entertaining. The best of the best as far as I'm concerned is as follows:

1. Teen Titans
2. Invader Zim
3. The Tick
4. Big Guy and Rusty
5. Batman Beyond

Aside from being high-quality however there is one other common thread connecting these shows. They've all been canceled. I'm appalled when I consider that, in contrast, Power Rangers still lives on in some form to this day after some twenty different variations. The irony is that the title of the show (lightspeed monkey force to ultra rescue people) changes more often than the plot of the individual episodes. If you've seen one episode you've seen them all. You'd think with all the monster attacks the city would start to look the worse for wear, but they must have some killer construction crews. The hardest part of the writing is probably deciding what to name the monster. I mean the name Obliveron sends a totally different message from Decimax. We all know that the public school system has been failing for some time now. I turned to cartoons to compensate, but where will the rising generation turn? Spongebob? I really hope not. It just goes to show that the masses will support crapulence they know and understand over genius they don't. I just barely found out that Teen Titans was canceled. I'm very disappointed with the viewing public.