Man's Search for Meaning

I'm currently about half-way through Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. I think I first heard about the book in high school and it's been kicking around in the back of my brain since. I was at my parent's house last Thursday and needed a book to read while I waited for tests to be done at the hospital. A couple of bookcases have migrated into my old room sometime in the past few months with my Dad's books in tow. It was here I noticed the book and started to read.

I think the vague impression I had of the book before I started to read was that it was a book all about how to be happy in any condition. This is part of the book, but for me not the primary message. Of course, if five people read a book, that is intensely honest and personal, you'll probably end up with five different messages. Anyway, for me the message was summed up pretty well when he said

"We need to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life--daily and hourly. Our answer must consist not in talk and meditation, but in right action and right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answers to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."

Connected to this idea is what he says of suffering. He explains, and what mortal would know better, that sometimes our task is to suffer, but here he notes that "his unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden." So it's not a question of why do we suffer, but rather how.

A Pound of Flesh for Your Thoughts

I've had the same conversation a number of times in the past week or so. I'll ask what someone is doing in the summer, to which they will answer: school, work, both, etc. In polite response the question will be asked of me. Somewhat hesitantly, because it's not really the stuff of normal conversation I'll answer that I'm donating a kidney to my sister-in-law and I'll be off school and work to recover for three to eight weeks. I found out that I was a match a week or two back. Since then Angie (my sister-in-law) has had another stroke caused by high blood pressure from dialysis and stress. Of necessity this has accelerated the process of donation. On Thursday I'll go in for another round of tests, after which I'll be given tests followed by more tests. The operation itself is, to my knowledge, happening some time in the next week or so provided things go well.

The thought of several weeks of rather limited mobility, I must admit, is less than pleasant. Angie has had problems with her kidneys for a long time; this will be her second transplant. Right now she's still in the hospital from the second stroke. No permanent damage was done, but she's still working on normal consciousness; it comes and goes for the moment. I was over at my parent’s house for Father's Day and my nephew Logan said the prayer for dinner. He said "Please bless Mommy so she can come home and we can be a family again." My dad is still shaking off leukemia from a year ago, though he's started working part days. Thinking about this makes it pretty hard to take self-pitying thoughts seriously. Sure my job is crappy and I can't seem to fix a few things in my life, but what do I have to complain about? Albert Einstein said "Only a life lived for others is worth living." I hope that this experience will help me learn, at least in part, how to live that way. Being uncomfortable for a few weeks may not be much, but I hope it will be something like the widow's mite for me and my selfishness.

Why Shakespeare is Great and how the Devil is Crafty

I've worked at the BYU library for seven or eight months now and things get pretty boring. Just recently instead of listening to music at work I've started to listen to books on cd. I decided to start listening to the classics; since, by now I've realized I probably won't read them. So I listened to the Merchant of Venice by Shakespeare, which I enjoyed, but was rather surprised given it has a happy ending. I didn't think he did happy endings, but what do I know? My knowledge of the bard is probably equivalent to the information off of cereal boxes. Anyways, I love his use of language. As I was walking home from work I thought about what the world would be like if people actually spoke like characters in a Shakespearian play. Conversations in general would be much wittier. For example, if someone offended their significant other with a careless remark they might say "Though my tongue be given to offend, I pray thee let my lips amend." Don't get any ideas though I'm getting a copyright.

A few weeks back I posted a quote from a man named Leo Buscaglia. I was so impressed by the quote myself that I went on eBay and bid three dollars on one of his books. The shipping was free so I figured I was getting a good deal. I promptly forgot about it until I received the book in the mail. The book is entitled Loving Each Other: The Challenge of Human Relationships. One of the questions he asks, "Why are people so afraid to love?" struck me as interesting. I guess the short answer is fear of rejection. In an ideal world this wouldn't make any sense, how could giving love be anything other than positive? I blame the devil. Showing love is equated with weakness far more often than with strength. This has at least two immediate effects. First, it means that people are far more reserved with who they show affection for. Second, the recipient of such affection is predisposed, at least to some degree, to view the giver as weak. I think it has something to do with a horrible twist to the spirit of independence that the media so heavily promotes.

Introspective Insomnia

I've had a couple of little ideas for things that I could post about, but nothing really big. Since I don't feel like sleeping now I'll see what I can make out of them on the fly. Think of it as one of those "Our powers combined..." sort of moments, except that I have always hated Captain Planet. Seriously, what were they thinking when they gave a guy the power of heart? I'm pretty sure the whole idea stems from some writer's insecurities. Maybe he didn't get enough love as a kid. Anyway, Captain Planet bashing aside here's what I've been thinking about:

1.College is expensive
2.Dating is hopeless
3.I need a new job

I had been planning on taking summer classes, but I really don't think I can afford to. I already have too much debt and too little to show for it. No I'll be working full time during the summer, and who knows, maybe even fall semester. This brings me to my third point. I haven't forgotten the second one, but one and three are connected so play along. I've determined that my job at the library is not at all providing what I need. It's in no way, shape, or form challenging on any level. It benefits society slightly less than warning labels on toothpicks and yields marginal financial returns. Plus my schedule is too flexible, now for many people this would be a plus, but for me it's a big negative. This stems from the fact that I'm lazy so I put off work because I know I don't absolutely have to go into work.

Okay, points one and three out of the way, on to two. I was reading in Proverbs the other day when I came across 13:12 "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life." I'm not entirely sure I understand what the verse is saying. It could mean that when we defer or put off having hope that we feel heartsick, but when what we hope for happens we'll be happy. If this is the case I don't get the big message here. I mean obviously we'll be happy when what we've been waiting for happens; no surprise there. But what does it mean to put off hoping? Does that mean we hope for something, but we need to be patient for it to happen? Does it mean we have to hope because if we don't we'll feel even worse?

My guess is that it means the latter. I suppose it makes sense with the adage "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Sounds like one of those "wintry doctrines" Elder Maxwell talked about if you ask me.

If someone figures out a shortcut to enlightenment and inner peace let me know.

To Risk or not to Risk

First of all, no, this is not a post about the ridiculously long board game. In fact, it's not much of a post at all I'm just going to put up a quote.

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd, is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
But risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, or live.
Only a person who risks is free.
~Leo Buscaglia

Look and See How Clever I am

I've been doing this whole blogging bit for close to a year now and I think it's time I get back to my roots. When I started the blog, I admitted it was more than anything a way to see if I could impress people in a literary fashion. I'd like to think that I've had a decent post or two (bear in mind I said I'd like to think). In any event, yesterday was a reminder to me of the less than noble goal that started me writing.

I was visiting my parents and talking about Lincoln, the Civil War, and well cookies. My dad has this theory that a cookie only has half the calories when it is broken in half. Never mind the fact that he still eats both halves. He defended himself by saying that there was a method to his madness. I responded, "Just because there's method to your madness doesn't mean it's something other than madness." I was quite pleased with myself; I still am.

Something like this doesn't just happen though, no this took years of preparation. I remember that fateful day, so many years ago, that my brother told me, in reference to some less than cordial individuals, "It's all about mind over matter. I don't mind because they don't matter." Ahh, so good. I still smile every time I think about it. Some time later I was on my way to seminary when I noticed one of the school signs had been graffitied. Added to the list of items such as: no skateboards was no dumb people with a smiley face. That made my day. One of these days, I think I'll make myself some t-shirts or hats with such witticisms. As far as I can tell, Despair.com has a commanding influence on the disaffected masses, especially the college going variety, and I want a piece of the action.

The Comfort and Luxury of Mediocrity

So I've decided something; people don't like the unknown. Sure, we may say that we like trying new things, but let's admit it's all show. When I ordered calamari for the first time I didn't imagine that it was going to taste like calamari tastes. How could I? I had never tasted it before. Instead of imagining how it actually tasted, I imagined a vague sort of good taste and dug in. What I expected, wanted to happen was to taste something I recognized as tasting good. How many times have people tasted exotic food and said "It tastes like chicken." It seems that we have a hard time processing new experiences; they never stand on their own, but have to be compared to previous experience. When I tasted calamari I liked it, but not I would argue because it has an inherently "good" taste, but rather because it has a familiar taste. In this case, I'm guessing salt and MSG tied it in with the rest of my meal.

I'm thinking that the reason people don't try new food or new things in general is fear of the unknown. Why don't I move to say Boston and try to make a life for myself there for instance? It's foreign to me, I don't know what to expect. It could be a great decision, it could ruin my life. This is where mediocrity comes into play. Mediocrity is safe. I would here propose that a great many opportunities and lives lived in greatness are kept out of reach by the safety net of mediocrity. Though I'm loath to admit it, being a victim of mediocrity myself, especially scholastically, I'm inclined to think that mediocre results often come from a lack of self-confidence.

That's the beauty of doing a half-hearted job I figure, no one can really say if you succeeded or failed. Additionally, we can tell ourselves that if we did this good when we weren't really trying that we'd do really great with something we cared about. Would we though? Mediocrity and apathy go hand in hand and if you ask me, (pretend you really would) apathy is infectious. Once introduced to one aspect of life, apathy spreads to every aspect of life. As for me, I'm going to try not to cut myself so much slack that I get dashed to pieces on the rocks below.

Something I've Been Meaning to do

My parents had this idea that they wanted all of their kids to play musical instruments. This worked just fine right up until me. Why was I any different? They never encouraged/forced me to learn one. I never wanted to learn one, having been witness to many of my friends afternoons' spoiled by having to practice. Wow, that sentence sucks, but it's late and I'm not changing it. Anyway, this semester I'm taking a guitar class and I've enjoyed it thus far. I'm hoping that learning a musical instrument is good for my patience and self-discipline. A coworker pointed out that "chicks dig it." I was with some friends the other day and one of the guys started playing a guitar, yeah it's true.

My fingertips are sore, but then again so are my arms since I started a weights class as well. I've also started playing some tennis, which is good, just not as good as racquetball. Natural sunlight, who needs it? I guess in short I'm trying out a few new things. One of them is bound to be worth something in the end. I also just finished reading Shadow of the Giant. I quite enjoyed it. There are a lot of good questions and ideas about human nature in the book. I'm thinking I may start reading some more poetry, get acquainted with some of the classics. Trying new things, yeah I'm enjoying it.

What Can Change the Human Heart?

First and foremost, credit where credit is due, the impetus for this post is something from what my friend Frogkisser wrote in her last post. The question posed is: can someone's nature be changed or is it fixed. The gospel perspective here is a decided that depends. Do they want to change? Do I want to compromise for them?

It's a great paradox of human nature that some of the best most sincere change as well as some of the most superficial and shallow change in human nature can come from relationships. I think the thing I wonder is: how long can we or someone else be happy living contrary to who they are? My guess is not very long. Do we really want someone to love a cheap facade we put up for them, all plastic flowers and fake dialogue? At this point, I've just realized I never have any original or new thoughts just new angles on old issues. It all comes back to honesty and being yourself again. I think my pontificating train is still derailed. I'll keep at it.

The Summer, The Spring, and a Random Thing (or Two)

The end of the semester is near, so very near. Strangely with all my finals yet to be taken I'm not worried at all. I think it has something to do with my decision to fail that "Methods in Social Research" class early in the semester. I guess once I decided to fail on purpose, it's been hard to get worked up over the threat of doing mediocre in the classes I like. Soon that will all be over, at least for a day anyway, and then spring semester starts. I've never done spring or summer semester before though so I'm easing myself into it. My classes consist of: History of the English Language, Weightlifting, and Intro. Guitar. I think somehow I'll manage.

All of that is subject to change though. My sister-in-law needs a kidney transplant and I might be the donor. My brother wasn't a match so in all likelihood I won't be either, but you never know. I'll get the blood work done in a few weeks and find out. If I am compatible I'll be at home for about six to eight weeks while my body adjusts to using one kidney instead of two. I really hope that I do match. She needs the transplant and I can tell it's been worrying my brother since no blood relatives were matches. Additionally, I think it would be good for me to spend a few weeks feeling crappy. It'd be a good humbling experience.

Reunions, FHE, and Apathetic Mediocrity

I went to my first mission reunion on Friday. I didn't make it to the last one so this was my first reunion. I can't say it was a real good experience. A couple of speeches were made that could have been skipped by and large. The slideshow was shown with the disclaimer that it had been thrown together in about ten or fifteen minutes. The food consisted of pizza and pop with the only real Norwegian food being the token bags of pepper kakker (basically ginger snaps). Oh, and incidentally no emails were sent out except by those who hunted down the information and then sent it to one or two people. The whole deal smacked of little to no planning. I suddenly understand why so many people don't go.

In a similar vein our FHE group is pretty much on life support. As of last week, there about six of us and half of those are from one apartment. I never had FHE growing up so the mission field was the first time I really went and then obviously only on certain occasions. I've really appreciated FHE since coming to college, but I have to admit I feel very little motivation to go right now. I think the problem with both my mission reunion and my FHE group can be traced back to apathy and mediocrity.

It's a question of "Which comes first: the chicken or the egg?" In this case though it's, "Which came first the apathy or the mediocrity?" In the end it doesn't really matter which comes first becomes the one breeds the other and vice versa. If an FHE is lame I become more apathetic and if I become more apathetic the next FHE is lamer. Just a vicious little cycle to be aware of.

Buffering 23%

According to my Linguistics professor every time there is a revolutionary invention people tend to make that invention into a symbol for thought. The light bulb was one such invention. Cartoon characters often have light bulbs appear over their heads to indicate that they've had an idea. Then of course there is the phrase "The lights are on, but no one's home." Anyway, in that grand tradition of making technology a symbol for thought I submit this thought. I'm pretty thoughts are like a streaming video. When everything is working right the picture is decent and the sound is correctly synched. Sometimes though the video catches up to what's been buffered and the video lurches along in two second clips if something isn't done to fix it. I've haven't felt particularly inspired as of late. Strangely, I haven't been thinking about new philosophical subjects much. Even when I try to do so my train of thought seems to get derailed rather quickly (another example of technology as thought). So I've concluded that I'm at the buffering stage in my philosophical pondering. In all likelihood it means I need to do more reading to stimulate my brain. Does anyone have any books to suggest?

Mae: Suspension

Just a video from a little band I've come across.

Happy Birthday and Delaying the Inevitable

Today is my birthday, my 23rd in fact. To celebrate, I'll be taking a Statistics test and working. Potentially those fun-filled activities are to be followed up with a little trip to IHOP and some philosophical discussion. So I was thinking about the whole birthday practice and I'm asking that gifts be given to me in the form of quotes. No books of them, no long lists, just one or two quotes with something of weight to consider. Something like "Selfishness is self-destruction in slow motion." Got to love that Maxwell. In all honesty I'm writing now because I am delaying my stats test and work just a little longer. It's my birthday I get to be a little lazy right? That would beg the question "What's my excuse for the rest of the year?" but I'll just gloss over that.

On a more serious note, the last month or so has been more or less torturous to me to one degree or another. I've been trying desperately to figure out what the problem was. Finally, last night as I was praying one of those look,-I-know-you-know-what-you're-doing-but-I-don't-know-what-you're-doing prayers and things became clear. I was reminded of the importance of our thoughts. I really believe that there is no other way to truly be happy in life short of focusing our thoughts and consequently our actions on the things of eternity. For me right now, that mainly means thinking more about other people than myself. I hope that doesn't come across as cliché, but either way the principle holds true. Martin Luther King Jr. said "Life's most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?" Guess that means I need to leave my ivory tower a bit more often.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

A Taste of My Taste

Between three months at an insurance company, three at an engineering supply place, and four or five at the BYU I have had copious amounts of time to listen to music. Each of these jobs has been mindless enough that they allowed me to listen to music while I worked. In the summer alone, I was working full time so that meant eight hours of music a day five days a week for a few months. Early on my good friend Brett informed me of Yahoo's music services. I tried the free trial of their launchcast radio and quickly became hooked. At first it was slow going getting my "personal" radio station fine tuned. Over the months though, I've been pleased to come across quite a few new bands that I enjoy immensely. As a public service, I will list my top three favorite new bands, a few of the songs I like the most, and what they have to offer.

1. The All-American Rejects: "Move Along," "Swing, Swing," and "Your Star" Emo/Indie band with some good lyrics and upbeat rhythms. Both of their cds are high quality.
2. Death Cab For Cutie: "Crooked Teeth," "Marching Bands of Manhattan," and "The Sound of Settling" Soothing melodies and clever song lyrics. Features the former lead singer of The Postal Service. Transatlanticism and their latest cd Plans are my favorite albums.
3. Snow Patrol: "How to Be Dead," "Chocolate," and "Spitting Games" Another classic "Run" was recently posted on Provo Platinum, which in no small part inspired this post. Emotion charged vocals and hypnotic beats of pure goodness.
4. Guster: "Fa Fa," "Two Points for Honesty," and "So Long" I heard "Fa Fa" years ago and the chorus was forever popping into my head, but I didn't know the song or band name. Thanks to James who reintroduced me to the glory of Guster. Very catchy and singable, (yes, that's a word now) the songs have some noteworthy ideas.

So originally this was going to be a list of five bands, but it occurs to me that it is now one in the morning and I want to sleep. Perhaps this wasn't the best time to post. In any event for what it's worth here are some songs I recommend. I'm sure you can listen to them somewhere, somehow. They're worth the effort.

Pandering to the Masses

Being an astute observer of cartoons I've come to love a variety of shows that both well-written and entertaining. The best of the best as far as I'm concerned is as follows:

1. Teen Titans
2. Invader Zim
3. The Tick
4. Big Guy and Rusty
5. Batman Beyond

Aside from being high-quality however there is one other common thread connecting these shows. They've all been canceled. I'm appalled when I consider that, in contrast, Power Rangers still lives on in some form to this day after some twenty different variations. The irony is that the title of the show (lightspeed monkey force to ultra rescue people) changes more often than the plot of the individual episodes. If you've seen one episode you've seen them all. You'd think with all the monster attacks the city would start to look the worse for wear, but they must have some killer construction crews. The hardest part of the writing is probably deciding what to name the monster. I mean the name Obliveron sends a totally different message from Decimax. We all know that the public school system has been failing for some time now. I turned to cartoons to compensate, but where will the rising generation turn? Spongebob? I really hope not. It just goes to show that the masses will support crapulence they know and understand over genius they don't. I just barely found out that Teen Titans was canceled. I'm very disappointed with the viewing public.

Reflections on Failure

Okay, as a disclaimer my failure wasn't really spectacular in the sense of being a spectacle so much as being spectacular in it's ramifications. Having finally decided recently what my major is going to be, oh yeah again, (English Language in case you were wondering) I also decided to major in Sociology. I would explain how I took my time in deciding on the double major since I took so much time to decide on English Language for my first major, but I didn't really take any real thought with the second one. I realized that I would have a lot of time in my schedule since I only had eight religion credits and one and a half credits of wellness to finish for my core requirements. Since I like Sociology and had the room I thought I might as well.

The unforeseen complication was that to major in Sociology I enrolled in Stats 221 and Soc 300 (Methods in Social Research). I loathe these classes. I took the first test in my Soc 300 test two weeks ago and just found out today how I did. I failed and failed badly. My teacher allows people to correct errors on this test for 60% of the credit. Sadly, If I got the extra 60% of each question I missed I would only get a 60% on the test itself. I've never done so incredibly badly before. Even before getting the grade on the test I was thinking about dropping the class. I say drop the class, but this late into the semester I mean stop going to the class and fail rather than go to class and fail.

More than anything this just reinforces to me the importance of basing my personal happiness on the truth of the gospel. School seems to be a losing battle at the moment and other fronts aren't doing too good either, but the gospel is true. I know intellectually that things will get better, but right now it doesn't feel much like it. In an effort to be healthy I've decided that I need to be okay with sad. I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I pretty sure that I repressed my emotions for so long that now that I've learned how to share my thoughts I have a lot of making up to do. It's said that life is bittersweet. I believe it.

A Reality Check: The Thing I Hate Most

A while back, someone in my stake presidency suggested that some people need what my good friend Ryan Daniels has dubbed a reality check. To paraphrase he said that some people don't get dates because there are problem areas with their, shall we say, presentation of themselves. Do your clothes make you look bad? Should you lose a few pounds? Is your laugh obnoxious? These were some of the questions he said we need to ask ourselves. To clarify, he said that such issues are not critical, but that they would affect our lives so we should be aware of them. He danced around the idea about losing weight before he spit it out; it was as sugar-coated as possible given the subject.

Additionally, he suggested that we should ask someone we trusted about some of our strengths and weaknesses. A potentially sticky situation, but perhaps needed. I decided to ask my friend of roughly ten, twelve years Clark what I dislike the most (this was another question he said was useful). Clark thought a minute and responded, "You hate it when things are supposed to work and they don't." The more I've thought about it the more it rings true. Not having a reliable internet connection to my computer bothered me because it was supposed to work. Was it inconvenient? Yeah, but I could use three other computers in my apartment to access the internet and countless more on campus. No, I was upset because I wanted to be able to depend on the connection working and couldn't; it should have worked, but didn't.

Not surprisingly I find myself trying to become more reliable myself because I don't like unmet expectations. According to my Sociology professor the number one reason cited for divorce is unmet expectations. So there it is, people want something to depend on.

Butterflies and Razors

Okay so I wrote this about a week and a half ago when my internet was not working. I'm pretty sure originally typing it in Word and then transferring it over lowers the quality; it's just not the same. We did finally figure a few things out about Comcast and why we've had so many problems with them... but that's for another time so without further ado,
Butterflies and Razors.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about change. I have a roommate getting married, a friend coming home from a mission, and my five year high school reunion all coming up. I’m not sure why exactly, but I don’t think I’m the same person that I was even six months ago. This semester has not been a real great one for me from a scholastic view of things, case in point I forgot to take a test worth 25% of my final grade. Dating hasn’t gone much better. Just not finding that “click” factor where things just work. I talked to my teacher today and he’s letting me take the test on Monday. I’m working on the happy resolution to the dating issue, but one thing at a time I guess.

Change is a compelling element of life, literally. People, places, attitudes, everything changes over time, as a result we have to change too. I’ve heard it said that you can never go home again. Others have said that you never step into the same river twice. Life would be easy if we found our way to that one safe, good place and stayed there the rest of our lives. However, much like that really comfortable spot on the couch, there comes a point at which the human spirit is restless. I’m guessing for most of us that other things force us to change more often than we feel restless for change, but it does go both ways. Change is a scary proposition, a step into the unknown, the dark. Sometimes we are excited, scared but excited, to see where new paths take us. At other times we walk nervously, waiting for the axe to fall.

It’s been posited that the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in one hemisphere may cause the hurricanes in another: the aptly named “butterfly effect.” It seems to me that the theory implies that we can’t know why anything happens; there are too many variables to understand why things happen. The other side of the coin is the idea of “Ocham’s Razor.” For my purposes, think of this as the theory that the simplest explanation is usually the right one. I hold with this one.

I think we have change because we need it. Whether we thrive on change or would rather avoid it, change makes us grow.

Can I see your soul please?

So it's late and I'm tired. Somehow this seems to drive me to blog more than to sleep. No wonder I don't sleep enough. Hmm drawing a blank. Yet, I feel a certain sense of obligation to try to write a thoughtful post. After all, it has been over a week and my counter did just pass 1,000. Both good reasons to blog. Reasons, but not topics.

I think I'll have to turn to something I think about a lot, honesty. Today at work, I overheard some girls talking about how great conversation is and one of them remarked, "I think it's sad that we hold back being completely honesty from everyone, but our closest friends." That was a paraphrase, but pretty close. At this point, I really wanted to join in the conversation, but I was working at the time and felt like taking time to talk would be dishonest by getting paid to talk. I guess for me it was really comforting to know that there are other people who think about this stuff. They even talked about treating everyone like a person, at the bank, grocery store, wherever. It was one of those moments that I was glad to be part of the human race. It reminded me that human kindness is alive and well. I really wanted to start talking to them about the ideas they presented. It seems like conversations of that sort don't exactly pop up every day. I blame much of my antisocial/elitist behavior in high school on a distinct lack of such conversations. I just wasn't much interested in "small talk." My tolerance for small talk has increased over time, but I'd still rather talk about what makes people tick over the latest movie.

On a related note, I've realized I could never marry someone who is a poor conversationalist. It's funny that reminds me of a conversation when a girl told me that one of the most attractive qualities a guy can have is confidence. I've thought about that a fair amount and it seems to explain that age-old question I've had of "Why do nice girls go out with jerks?" It would seem that part of the answer is that the jerks are at least confident enough to ask the girl out, whereas the shy, nice guys often don't. In high school I didn't date much. I didn't think that girls were interested and I didn't want them to go out with me if they didn't want to. I didn't think for a second about the thousands of years of tradition that state it is the male's role to initiate contact. Add this to the fact that I hated small talk, which meant in high school I didn't talk much, and suddenly my high school experience makes sense. I was always waiting for someone else to show interest in me; I'd respond when they did. Incidentally, several did that I was too daft to realize at the time. What a horrible way to live...just waiting to be loved. I know now that many if not most people live like I did. Waiting, crying, bleeding, and dying for love. My friends, I don't pretend to have all the answers, but this much I do know: if we want love we have to give love. It means letting people see who we really are. No bravado, no sarcasm, no games.